Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
