Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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