If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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