Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
