some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
