Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
