oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
