does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
