I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
