god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
