I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
