well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
