I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
