It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
