Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
