Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
