Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
