i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
