Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
