opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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