dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
