Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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