So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Someone came in the potted fern
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
