i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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