That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i think i just lost a toe
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
