i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
