my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
