we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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