Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's shark week go big or go home
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
