I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
