i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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