its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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