My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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