Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
