I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
