Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
