im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
