i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
