Buhtt sex?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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