Ambien. No doubt about it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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