Welp...herpes.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
