I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
