i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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