Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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