She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
