found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's never too late to be topless.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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