I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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