Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
