im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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