I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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