She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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