Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
