i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
